into the desert

For years there has never been a single day when i hoped i had a different job. I tell myself almost everyday that i'd just quit and look for a better one but i never had the guts to really do it. Yes, i fear what lies ahead but it's not the losing that matters most. It's saying, "this is it", that really scares me. The challenge of an uncertainty. Starting from scratch. Back to zero. But when i come to ponder on it, i realize that i have nothing to lose since i never really had anything to hold on to. And now, as i listened to my boss's announcement that a lot of us might lose our jobs next year, gave me a pang of pain that leaves me surprised and incredibly arid. How can this be? This is supposed to be an opportuned moment. My breakthrough of exploring the unknown. But why do i hurt? Why do my voice falter?

I'm living in a fantasy. The fantasy of just quitting my job and find a much better one. Way better. Yet when this fantasy is finally becoming a reality, my knees shake. Leaves me scared.

Reality truly bites.