november rain

someone told me that happiness is a choice. yeah, i know. still, i allowed myself to get soaked in the rain. sometimes you just have to marinate on your pain until you get saturated, enough for you to unfeel it. and finally when you have queezed yourself out of it, you just shrug your shoulders and say, "i'm okay now." at some point in time when this pain starts to creep up on you again, it would be easy to just ignore it. because you're done with that aching. until then, you can choose to be happy. for one can never feel happiness without pain.

so welcome your pain. your brokenness. your hurt. become nothing. when you have become numb of everything, you will learn to smile. and laugh on it.

happiness, you see, is not an effort.

so here comes another pain. one that you don't recognize. you can't just say, "i choose to be happy". say it, and that pain will never leave you. allow the pain to pierce through your heart, and it will soon fade away. of course it won't be easy. but it won't be that difficult either. for how can you let go of that pain if you won't even have a hold of it?

so go ahead. cry. wail. shout. grieve. after all, it's just the november rain.

hmmm... i should listen to myself sometimes.

into the desert

For years there has never been a single day when i hoped i had a different job. I tell myself almost everyday that i'd just quit and look for a better one but i never had the guts to really do it. Yes, i fear what lies ahead but it's not the losing that matters most. It's saying, "this is it", that really scares me. The challenge of an uncertainty. Starting from scratch. Back to zero. But when i come to ponder on it, i realize that i have nothing to lose since i never really had anything to hold on to. And now, as i listened to my boss's announcement that a lot of us might lose our jobs next year, gave me a pang of pain that leaves me surprised and incredibly arid. How can this be? This is supposed to be an opportuned moment. My breakthrough of exploring the unknown. But why do i hurt? Why do my voice falter?

I'm living in a fantasy. The fantasy of just quitting my job and find a much better one. Way better. Yet when this fantasy is finally becoming a reality, my knees shake. Leaves me scared.

Reality truly bites.